"Thanks for coming! Don't forget your mouse!" by Frances Scott

We have this vision… of how to stop it.  By “it,” I mean this apparent mandate—Chapter 611, Article iv, I’d guess, in the Parental Handbook, Edition XVIII, that at every kid’s birthday party, “you the parent” feel compelled to give out a “goody bag” at the end of the party.  Skip and I were lamenting the other night about this tradition that evidently developed between 1977 and now.  1977 was the year of my sixth and last official birthday party; at least the last birthday party that didn’t have tequila as its focus.   It was held at *gasp* my mom’s apartment and included hand-written invitations from J.C. Penny's. Plus we had Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Donkey (the home-made kind where you draw a donkey on typing paper, and pin it to a bulletin board and then make paper tails, which were attached to the donkey using thumb tacks. Ouch). It was a merry 45 minutes with cake-eating and lots of little girls with long, greasy hair and brightly-colored velour sweat suits, dancing with their stuffed animals to the theme song from Grease-- is the word, is the word, is the word... Sorry. I couldn't resist.

I didn’t go to many kids’ birthday parties in the thirty years that followed my 6^th birthday party, but once my kids started pre-K and started being invited to other kids’ parties, Skip and I have been like, “What gives with all the goody bags!”   I mean isn’t the party itself the goody?   When the twins turned four, we caved to the pressure and gave out little goody bags that added about a hundred bucks to the party’s bottom line and most likely sprinkled “candy trash” into the homes of every child who attended. 

But we were sitting the other night PREPARING our 5 year old’s Valentines.  Yes, WE signed his name and taped little lolly pops to the cards.  We couldn’t find the classroom’s list of names, so we had to leave the “To:” part blank.   As I sat there, writing “Jake” 18 million times and eating mini Tootsie Roll pops even though I’d broken a crown on a mini Tootsie Roll pop that Jake had brought home during the last holiday celebration (President’s Day, I think it was), I just had to wonder, “How in the world did all this start?  I don’t even buy my kids candy, and I’m tired of all this candy, coming into my house (where I of course have to eat it, and end up breaking more crowns that will cost me a thousand bucks to get fixed).

Our five year old son was grumpy about going to school the day after Valentine’s Day, and sulked into school with a giant pout on his lips.   “Ohhhh!” the preschool director said, watching his big bottom lip, sticking way out, “What’s wrong?  Did you have too much CANDY yesterday or something?”  She didn’t glance at me disapprovingly like so many other preschool directors have done in the past, but I felt guilty anyway, until I remembered that it was candy that *iiiiiiii* DIDN’T BUY him! It was candy that came HOME WITH him from school.  I mean, I do all I can to help keep the candy out of my kids’ mouths... by putting it into mine, but it’s coming in these days at such a pace, that even I can’t keep up.   Does every holiday have to be smothered in candy?   When I think of Memorial Day, Starburst Fruit Chews don't ordinarily jump into my mind, but I guess someone could rationalize why the latter should be used to celebrate the former…

So Skip and I start brain-storming about what kind of festive party we could have on the cheap and what kind of related “goodies” we could give out.  The Wake County SPCA offers puppy parties.  You bring the kids, and they’ll supply the puppies for the party. Add puppies & stir.  The Town of Cary just leased some of its snakes and a handler (How'd you like that job?) for a snake birthday party that we just attended last weekend.  I am not kidding. Live snakes. It was cool.

But we don’t have a dog or snakes.  All we have is one hissing, irritable turtle.

But then we got to thinking, “Heeey!  Boa (our turtle) only cost us about 25 cents, when we mail-ordered her from Florida a few years ago… so we could actually have a baby-turtle-racing party, and the turtles would cost us less than most parents spend on goody bags!”   “Better yet,” Skip interjects, “We should have a MOUSE party!  We can let the activity be that you’d decorate your ‘mouse habitat’ (a shoebox), and at the end of the party, we’d hand you a Solo cup with a lid on it containing one pretty awesome goody:  a brand new addition to your family--- a spritely, brown mouse.” 

We had a good laugh, imagining how delighted the kids would be, when we pulled out the big crate of Solo cups containing mice and thinking about the looks on their parents' faces.  We’d play it straight, acting as if it was the most normal goodie bag in the world.  "Whaaaa???  You don't already HAVE a mouse, do you???"

If I weren’t so worried about cruelty to animals, I’d definitely have a mouse party.  And then we’d have someone to help me chow down on all of this candy. 

Comments

[Sheila Britt]

Just a WAY to CUTE idea! Suggestion....how about the same 'habitat' idea but give them frogs instead! At least the frogs could be turned out unharmed & for the benefit of the parents! Just a thought .....

[John Taber]

Just the phrase "typing paper" brings back memories. :)

[Average Joe]

I couldn't agree more. We don't buy our kids (2 girls) any candy - because we don't HAVE to. We literally have to throw away BAGS of candy months after (insert holiday here) because it gets old. It's some sort of weird Chain Letter of candy that gets passed around from house to house - with each household trying to figure out how to get rid of the Candy of Mass Destruction. Personally, I'm drawing a line in the sand - no more bags of candy. Mice for everybody!!!